To exclaim or murmur

It’s Monday and I already got a panic attack/nervous breakdown in front of strangers out of the way. What’s in store for the rest of the week??

I don’t really feel like I have ever been an outwardly emotional person so it feels strange-and-awkward-and-way-embarrassing to lose control in front of all of my co-workers but at least I work in a doctors office and this is normal daily activity. With my recent engagement, finding out my sister has cancer, anniversary of my brothers death, and butting heads with my dad, I’ve been way stressed out. I have been so stressed and emotionally consumed that some days I can barely move my neck and yesterday I had my first panic attack. What a weird dizzying feeling of losing control. After I got over the whole embarrassing part, I thought sometimes it feels fucking awesome to lose control and cry uncontrollably. I can’t control this so let me just admit that my sister has cancer and my brother died and my dad is a real jerk sometimes and I’m having a hard time dealing with it. As much as this sucks, I am also so excited to get down and dirty with my real true emotional self and embrace what’s happening and work through it. I know I’ll be better for it.

My beautiful sister, Jen, started chemo today. Talk about bizarre! Today also happens to be the 17th anniversary of my brother, Chapman’s, death. 17?! I managed to scrape by with one small emotional breakdown.

I have some amazing friends. Thank you for all the love and kind words and support and positivity. You guys rule.